NORTH POLE: In what could be the most disastrous Christmas ever, the North Pole is making cutbacks this year in all areas of its general business.
CEO and General Manager of the North Pole, Santa Claus, made a surprising statement last night about serious economic cutbacks his company is being forced to make. “We have had to make several employee cuts this year, in most areas of the North Pole’s general business,’ he stated at a press conference just outside the North Pole. “These have included areas such as toy development, toy packing, toy ordering, delivery services…the list just goes on.”Having estimated that he cut his elf employees down by half, Santa still does not know how many elves he has working for him. “It is extremely hard to know how many elves are actually still working for me,” he stated over a frosty glass of full cream milk and cookies, “they are so fast and small, I just can’t keep count.”
Former Head-Elf, Bernie Elf stated at an interview this morning that he has had to move to the United States, to seek seasonal employment to ‘make ends meet’. “After being let go this is the only job I am qualified for,” he stated from the Macey’s perfume counter, in San Francisco, California. “Let’s face it- I am 250 years old, no pension plan, no health care, and no savings, so I needed something quick and temporary just to make it through the season.”
But Bernie isn’t the only elf suffering from cutbacks. The lucky elves that were able to continue working for the North Pole, don’t feel quite as lucky. “The amount of work has gone up ten-fold,” an anonymous elf reported from the mailroom. “Letters from children are the North Pole’s major client based, and that hasn’t decreased. We just can’t keep up! Plus we are continuing to receive the same pay.”
But downsizing employees is not the only answer for the season. Toy demand is still up 150 percent this year. Santa reported, “Because of the bad economic times that the world has been going through, people are relying on Christmas to make them feel better this year. The truth is, we can’t keep up! We’re really getting the candy cane with the recession and all.”
The North Pole has contracted Wal-Mart Incorporated to help with the increasing toy demand. “Wal-Mart is definitely here to give the North Pole help during the most celebrated and stressful time of the year,” Doug McMillan, President and CEO of the money saving conglomerate said in a statement to the press, “and with our ship-to-store delivery service, we can aid the North Pole with delivery services too.”
Wal-Mart’s ship-to-store feature includes free shipping of products from one store to another, to help get the item customers want quickly while securing a cheaper, or set price. Parents are encouraged to contact their local Wal-Mart before contacting the North Pole, to help circulate the products wanted for their children, in a more efficient manner.
“Not only are we asking parents to contact us first for ordering purposes, we are also asking them to pick them up from their local store by December 23rd at midnight,” McMillan pleaded.
Santa corroborated McMillan’s statement by stating that cutbacks have also included his Reindeer team that consists of nine reindeers (including Rudolph). “We have had to give early retirement packages to three reindeer,” Santa said, “and so the delivery process can take a little longer than what people are used to.”
“Abiding by these simple requests from both Wal-Mart and the North Pole will help develop a smooth transition for toy ordering and delivering.” McMillan said, “I admit, this is going to be quite a bumpy Christmas this year. We are just getting on our feet, and I want everyone to know Wal-Mart and the North Pole are doing everything to save Christmas. Every child will still hopefully get a toy by the New Year.”
Other deals are still being discussed between other toy companies in order to help the North Pole in upcoming years. Jeffery the Giraffe from Toys-R-Us, and Barbie from Mattel were unavailable for comment.