Friday, December 11, 2009

Freshman Wrestler gets Chub

MILWAUKEE- For many college athletes, wrestling is just another sport. But not for Adam Starns. Having wrestled his way through his younger years, and high school, he now enjoys a full wrestling scholarship, which he can utilize throughout his undergraduate education.

Adam Starns, 19, from Millicent, Milwaukee, was lucky enough to earn the Athletic Director’s Diversity Scholarship from the University of Milwaukee early last year. But for this freshman, his dreams of a professional wrestling career may soon be over.

During the University’s Wrestling meet on Sunday, Starns experienced an event that he has never encountered before. “During my many years of wrestling, I swear to you, that this has never happened. I mean NEVER,” Starns said with tears in his eye. “I just don’t know what to do.”

While wrestling opponent Jermaine Wentworth, 19, a visiting freshman from Marquette University, Milwaukee, Starns stated he suddenly and ‘very clearly’ developed an erection of his male member. “Dude, I swear I didn’t do anything to bring this on,” Starns reported after the match. “I had just locked Jermaine into a front wizzer, and was completing the move, and Jesus Christ I got a fucking chub. Dude!”

Having grown up the son of a Pentecostal minister, Starns said that he has never had anything quite like this happen before. “Dude, listen to me,” Starns kept repeating after the match, “I am not gay!”

Athletic Director Jim Barnes spoke to the press after the awkward silence that followed the spotting of Starns’ erection. “What we have here,” Director Barnes stated outside the arena, with a twinkle in his eye, “can be seen as a very normal experience for some wrestlers. What Adam was trying to accomplish was to pin his opponent into a front wizzer. Sometimes during these very close contacts, it is very natural for your penis to rub against the Lycra Speedos or shorts that the athletes are encouraged to wear.”

The front wizzer is a very strategic and successful pin during a wrestling match. During this move, athletes will lock their opponent’s arms, flip them on their back, and straddle them. “As you can see,” director Barnes concluded, “there is very close bodily contact involved.”

The University of Milwaukee’s Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Newspaper, “The Rainbow” was on the scene and reported that Starns packed a whopping nine inches when erect. “It’s unbelievable. This is definitely wrestling history here!” Timothy Manning spoke with a lisp regarding the incident. “I am so happy to be a part of it! For a long time, I have known that Adam was gay. Come on! Wrestling with other masculine men in Speedos? Oh my God! I’ve always wanted to sign up!”

Adam’s father, Pastor George Starns, tried leaving the arena early after spotting his son’s erection. “I am so ashamed of Adam,” the pastor stated. “How could he do this to our family. After all I have taught him. In the back of my mind, I have always known he was gay.”

Adams mother, Carmella, was unavailable for comment, and was seen running from the arena weeping, to ‘go get the car’ from section T17 of the humongous parking lot.

“Well so what if I got an erection,” Adam told his teammates. “I think I’m bigger than everyone here anyway.” Adam was seen leaving the arena with his gym bag, while holding his opponent, Jermaine Wentworth’s hand.

“Well if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” Adam stated slamming the door behind them.

Quentin Shires

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