Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Aussie, Chinese Yell, "Hurry up and Shag!"

ADELAIDE, AUSTRALIA- In a major effort to increase the Chinese Panda’s population, Australian and Chinese officials met at the Adelaide zoo yesterday to urge the Panda’s to have sexual relations.

“Hurry up and shag!” Governor General, Quentin Bryce yelled at the two pandas at the zoo yesterday evening. “Hurry up and shag!”

The two Chinese pandas, Wang Wang and Funi, were moved to the Adelaide zoo on loan from the Chinese government, in order to help boost the panda population. Thus far, they are comfortably settling into their new home and adapting well to the Australian Bamboo.

Chinese Ambassador, Zhang Junsai said yesterday that Australia is the perfect place for the two rare pandas to copulate. “Australia is such a beautiful country,” Junsai said yesterday outside the zoo, “I’ve been wanting to have sexual relations with my wife in this country for years. Since she wasn’t interested, I can now have sexual relations in Australia vicariously through the pandas.”

But not everyone thinks it’s ok to start the reproduction cycle. Wang Wang, 3, said this morning that he is very uncomfortable about the amount of pressure he is feeling when it comes to his first sexual encounter. “I am only three years old,” the Panda, declared, “I have only started masturbating a year ago, and they are already throwing a female in front of me to have sex with!”

Discussing that he is still in the Phallic Stage of Freud’s psychosexual development, Wang Wang reported at this time, he is just interested in his own genitals, not in the genitals of Junsai. “I’m sure she is very beautiful,” Wang Wang said referring to Junsai, “But I’m just not ready.”

Wang Wang’s parents were killed in China just after his birth, making him one of the only two pandas left in the southern hemisphere. Having grown up an orphan, the panda was never indulged in the parent-child sexual relations talk that most children experience.

“My first time is going to be in front of everyone,” Wang Wang said to the press. “That puts me under a lot pressure. I don’t even know what to do.”

The Governor General was later seen sneaking pornographic magazines and lubrication to the panda, in hopes to move him one step closer to reproducing.

Quentin Shires

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