Sunday, March 21, 2010

Fish Dies After Vikings Win

SIOUX FALLS, SD- ‘Swimmy the Fish’ Kary was found dead in his Sioux Falls home Monday morning after an unexpected win by the Minnesota Vikings team on Sunday. Diane Kary of Sioux Falls, one of Swimmy’s roommates, found the fish dead before leaving for her mundane job as a probation officer.

“I regret to inform you all that Swimmy the Fish was found fins up this morning. Apparently the excitement of the Vikings was too much for him…” Kary told Facebook friends during her morning status update. “The cause of death is unknown,” Kary continued, stating that she just assumed, “it was from total boredom caused by swimming around in a small glass bowl all day.”

But not everyone agrees with this statement. Other fish, which knew Swimmy well, state that there possibly is something ‘fishy’ going on. “Swimmy was the happiest fish ever,” Goldie Fish reported from down the street. “He would never have done this to himself, and he didn’t even like the Vikings. I don’t know what Ms. Kary is talking about!”

After calling the police to report the sudden death of her friend, Kary stated she flushed the fish’s body down the toilet. “Swimmy would not want a big fuss,” Kary told police after their arrival. “This death was really sudden and came as a bit of a shock-no time to pre-warn the family.”

Police investigating the sudden death of Mr. Swimmy are looking into Diane Kary’s background. Officer Mike McMahon of the Sioux Falls Police Department was on the scene shortly after the investigators noticed that Swimmy’s body was missing. “I need everyone to stay calm” McMahon forcefully stated during a press conference on the front lawn of Kary’s house. “We are exhaustively looking into the backgrounds of all family members within the Kary household and following up on all leads.”

Apparently this is not the first fish death within Diane Kary’s criminal history. Her Facebook status reported that this is the 7th or 8th fish to have died under her care. Police say that this self-incriminating evidence will help the District Attorneys office decide if there is a case to prosecute Diane Kary.

“Obviously there is a pattern emerging, but we can’t comment on an ongoing investigation. All I can say is it is not faring well for the Kary family,” a spokesperson for the Sioux Falls District Attorneys office stated during a press release. “We are investigating whether any more people are involved in Mr. Swimmy’s disappearance.”

Upon further investigation police are looking at other possible suspects that helped aid the sudden death and disappearance of the fish. Facebook comments found on Diane Kary’s page appear to point towards a plot to rid the Kary family of the fish.

Stacy Trove, co-conspirator, friend, and coworker of Diane Kary was seen leaving inappropriate comments regarding the fish’s death. “Just make sure he gets a double flush,” Stacy laughed, during a private conversation on Facebook. “Will there be a wake? Is someone sitting Shiva with him?” Trove repeatedly wrote on Kary’s wall that you cannot rule out suicide, obviously trying to divert the attention away from her disgusting and disrespectful comments towards the dead fish.

Eight other people are said to be connected towards the murderous plot, and can all be found on Diane Kary’s facebook page. Names of the people cannot be released due to their high profiles within the Sioux Falls community.

Other facebook postings of these people discussed a possible “alcohol party” to celebrate the fishes death. “We can bring the beer”, and “We can bring the tomato juice”, were written on Diane Kary’s wall, obviously indicating a tasteless tomato juice beer, which is typically found throughout the Midwest.

The Sioux Falls Sewer Department had no comment when sifting through piles of poop to try and find Swimmy’s body. The investigation will continue.

Quentin Shires

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Goodwill to Install Surveillance

BOSTON- In a major effort to decrease theft from thrift stores, Jim Gibbons, President and CEO of Goodwill Industries International, reported yesterday that he is requiring all Goodwill donation centers to begin installing high-tech surveillance equipment.

The equipment that most stores will have installed by February 2010, not only includes high tech surveillance cameras throughout the parking lot and stores; but also multiple surge protectors with built in ‘nanny-spy-cameras’, DVR recorders, and wall clock hidden audio monitoring devices. All employees will also be required to wear wristwatch spy audio/digital video recorders throughout their scheduled shifts.

“Goodwill is the leading donation source in the United States,” Gibbons said during a press conference yesterday, “It is our job to make sure that theft is minimized throughout our country, especially in thrift stores”.

With growing fears that thieves are targeting urine stained mattresses, LP records (33’s, and 45’s), employees of Goodwill are eager to start the new security precautions.

“I think it’s a marvelous idea,” employee, Loretta Lynn Montanna said during her twelve-minute cigarette break, behind the donation bins. “Let’s catch these people that try and take advantage of the needy!”

Gibbons stated that employees who will not support the new security measures would be suspended immediately, and will automatically lose their employee discount. “A current luxury that employees receive is a 25 percent discount on any goodwill item of their choice” the CEO said. “If you don’t support Goodwill’s new security policy, I don’t think we’ll have room for you here”

Loretta says that she relies on her discount in order to fashion her cheap wardrobe of hot pink pants, knee-high boots, and knotted t-shirts. “Everyone has to be on board with this,” she stated, “otherwise they will lose their jobs! I can’t afford that, especially during these hard economic times”.

The estimated cost for the security measures amount to approximately 13.5 million dollars nationwide. Goodwill is currently asking America for more donations.

Scientists have been studying the crime patterns among thrift stores over the past ten years and speculate that thieves will continue stealing way more than the anticipated mattresses and records.

“Our research indicates that thieves are going to start a new trend within the 2010/2011 fiscal year,” scientist Joseph Reynolds stated. “Yes, they are going to continue stealing urine stained mattresses, but these criminals are ruthless, they will continue with other items such as rust covered saucepans, and chipped coffee mugs. Crime doesn’t go away on its own!”

With approximately 80 percent of the staff on board with these new security procedures, training will start before the years end on how to use the personal wristwatch audio/video recorders. Private Eye Dick Johnson is giving security tips during these training sessions.

“Employees have to watch out for criminal behavior here at Goodwill,” Johnson said from his private agency this morning. “Check receipts, check people’s bags, and most of all check to make sure there is nothing in their car.”

Johnson said he is meeting with the CEO of other thrift stores to get them on board to stop the slew of missing urine stained mattresses. The Salvation Army, and St. Vincent de Paul, were unavailable for comment.

Quentin Shires

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Aussie, Chinese Yell, "Hurry up and Shag!"

ADELAIDE, AUSTRALIA- In a major effort to increase the Chinese Panda’s population, Australian and Chinese officials met at the Adelaide zoo yesterday to urge the Panda’s to have sexual relations.

“Hurry up and shag!” Governor General, Quentin Bryce yelled at the two pandas at the zoo yesterday evening. “Hurry up and shag!”

The two Chinese pandas, Wang Wang and Funi, were moved to the Adelaide zoo on loan from the Chinese government, in order to help boost the panda population. Thus far, they are comfortably settling into their new home and adapting well to the Australian Bamboo.

Chinese Ambassador, Zhang Junsai said yesterday that Australia is the perfect place for the two rare pandas to copulate. “Australia is such a beautiful country,” Junsai said yesterday outside the zoo, “I’ve been wanting to have sexual relations with my wife in this country for years. Since she wasn’t interested, I can now have sexual relations in Australia vicariously through the pandas.”

But not everyone thinks it’s ok to start the reproduction cycle. Wang Wang, 3, said this morning that he is very uncomfortable about the amount of pressure he is feeling when it comes to his first sexual encounter. “I am only three years old,” the Panda, declared, “I have only started masturbating a year ago, and they are already throwing a female in front of me to have sex with!”

Discussing that he is still in the Phallic Stage of Freud’s psychosexual development, Wang Wang reported at this time, he is just interested in his own genitals, not in the genitals of Junsai. “I’m sure she is very beautiful,” Wang Wang said referring to Junsai, “But I’m just not ready.”

Wang Wang’s parents were killed in China just after his birth, making him one of the only two pandas left in the southern hemisphere. Having grown up an orphan, the panda was never indulged in the parent-child sexual relations talk that most children experience.

“My first time is going to be in front of everyone,” Wang Wang said to the press. “That puts me under a lot pressure. I don’t even know what to do.”

The Governor General was later seen sneaking pornographic magazines and lubrication to the panda, in hopes to move him one step closer to reproducing.

Quentin Shires

Sunday, December 13, 2009

North Pole Conglomerate will Merge to Save Christmas

NORTH POLE: In what could be the most disastrous Christmas ever, the North Pole is making cutbacks this year in all areas of its general business.

CEO and General Manager of the North Pole, Santa Claus, made a surprising statement last night about serious economic cutbacks his company is being forced to make. “We have had to make several employee cuts this year, in most areas of the North Pole’s general business,’ he stated at a press conference just outside the North Pole. “These have included areas such as toy development, toy packing, toy ordering, delivery services…the list just goes on.”Having estimated that he cut his elf employees down by half, Santa still does not know how many elves he has working for him. “It is extremely hard to know how many elves are actually still working for me,” he stated over a frosty glass of full cream milk and cookies, “they are so fast and small, I just can’t keep count.”

Former Head-Elf, Bernie Elf stated at an interview this morning that he has had to move to the United States, to seek seasonal employment to ‘make ends meet’. “After being let go this is the only job I am qualified for,” he stated from the Macey’s perfume counter, in San Francisco, California. “Let’s face it- I am 250 years old, no pension plan, no health care, and no savings, so I needed something quick and temporary just to make it through the season.”

But Bernie isn’t the only elf suffering from cutbacks. The lucky elves that were able to continue working for the North Pole, don’t feel quite as lucky. “The amount of work has gone up ten-fold,” an anonymous elf reported from the mailroom. “Letters from children are the North Pole’s major client based, and that hasn’t decreased. We just can’t keep up! Plus we are continuing to receive the same pay.”

But downsizing employees is not the only answer for the season. Toy demand is still up 150 percent this year. Santa reported, “Because of the bad economic times that the world has been going through, people are relying on Christmas to make them feel better this year. The truth is, we can’t keep up! We’re really getting the candy cane with the recession and all.”

The North Pole has contracted Wal-Mart Incorporated to help with the increasing toy demand. “Wal-Mart is definitely here to give the North Pole help during the most celebrated and stressful time of the year,” Doug McMillan, President and CEO of the money saving conglomerate said in a statement to the press, “and with our ship-to-store delivery service, we can aid the North Pole with delivery services too.”

Wal-Mart’s ship-to-store feature includes free shipping of products from one store to another, to help get the item customers want quickly while securing a cheaper, or set price. Parents are encouraged to contact their local Wal-Mart before contacting the North Pole, to help circulate the products wanted for their children, in a more efficient manner.

“Not only are we asking parents to contact us first for ordering purposes, we are also asking them to pick them up from their local store by December 23rd at midnight,” McMillan pleaded.

Santa corroborated McMillan’s statement by stating that cutbacks have also included his Reindeer team that consists of nine reindeers (including Rudolph). “We have had to give early retirement packages to three reindeer,” Santa said, “and so the delivery process can take a little longer than what people are used to.”

“Abiding by these simple requests from both Wal-Mart and the North Pole will help develop a smooth transition for toy ordering and delivering.” McMillan said, “I admit, this is going to be quite a bumpy Christmas this year. We are just getting on our feet, and I want everyone to know Wal-Mart and the North Pole are doing everything to save Christmas. Every child will still hopefully get a toy by the New Year.”

Other deals are still being discussed between other toy companies in order to help the North Pole in upcoming years. Jeffery the Giraffe from Toys-R-Us, and Barbie from Mattel were unavailable for comment.

Quentin Shires

Jesus Tips Twenty Percent Plus

JUPITER, FL- Jesus Christ was reported tipping 20 percent or more on a recent visit to a local neighborhood restaurant.

Jesus was seen dining at Le Metro Neighborhood Bistro in Jupiter, Florida, Friday evening, at around eight o’clock. “This is such a great restaurant,” Jesus said in an interview Friday night, “It’s really nice to just get out and relax over a wonderful dinner from time to time.”

Jesus started off his meal ordering an appetizer of Coquilles Saint Jacques, which consists of Jumbo Sea Scallops, spinach, mushroom duxelle, and Tarragon Veloute’ Sauce. “It was really great,” Jesus replied after eating the appetizer. “Really fresh and moderately priced.”

Sally Robertson, head server at the restaurant, was fortunate enough to serve Mr. Christ during his visit. “It is such an honor serving someone so famous and well-known,” she replied during her short break at nine o’clock. “I hope he tips well!”

When offered a glass of wine as an aperitif, Mr. Christ declined and asked for a luke-warm glass of water. Mr. Christ was later seen turning the water into a glass of 1797 Chateau Lafite, which is known around France as a $160,000 bottle of wine.

“Yep, that is definitely going to hurt my tip,” Robertson said after spotting the miracle. So far he has only ordered a $10.95 appetizer and a glass of water,”

Christ was able to perform other miracles throughout the night, and appeared unhappy with the Catch of the Day. “Tonight, they are offering the Pan Seared Snapper as a special, and I don’t really care for snapper.” Christ then clicked his fingers and a miraculous fresh serving of Swordfish appeared in front of him. Christ then just ordered the sautéed vegetables to go with his fish.

Robertson reported that Christ’s bill amounted to a total of $13.95, with which he left a $4.00 tip, which is way over the expected twenty percent gratuity usually received. “I think Christians should set an example of people that are generous,” Christ said, putting away his tip calculator, “As Christians, if we can’t afford to tip well, then we really can’t afford to eat out.”

Christ stated that he enjoyed his dining experience at Le Metro and recommends it to other Christians who may want a relatively inexpensive fine dining experience. “The food is great, fresh, and well presented,” he said as he walked to the door, “and the wine…excellent!”

Quentin Shires

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Homeless Acknowledge Economic Woes

LAS VEGAS: With indications that the economy is improving since President Obama initiated different economic programs earlier this year, many financiers and political figures remain optimistic with a continuous improvement within the state of the economy.

But this is not the case in Las Vegas, Nevada. On Foremaster Lane, between Las Vegas Boulevard and Main Street, a growing number of homeless voices are starting to be heard. All along the lane homeless people are camped out in tents and cardboard boxes and are feeling the hard economic times this country is going through.

“It’s just so hard for us,” homeless veteran David “Peddler” James said, during an interview on Saturday morning at 3:00am. “When I first became homeless, it used to be so easy. But when Bush came to the White House, things just started to go downhill.

Dorothy Johnson, 25, corroborated David’s statement by reporting how hard begging has become these days. Taking a break from holding up her sign along a busy suburban street, she was able to discuss some “tricks of the trade” she uses in order to influence the amount of money she can receive from the community.

“When I first started begging, all I had to do was simply ask. Now days, I have to hold up a sign at exit 74B on the Interstate 515. It’s humiliating! Parading myself like that!”

Dorothy and other homeless people describe how trickery can be successful when taking monies from responsible community members. “I don’t want to give out too many of the tricks I use,” an anonymous homeless man said with a ‘tooth-missing grin and a wink’. “All I can say is that I am not a Vietnam War veteran.”

Other homeless community members are trying to build strong, social support groups within mainstream society; however, this is proving to be very difficult. “It is so hard for me to find a girlfriend,” Rodney McMahon stated from his wheelchair. “Not only am I disabled, but also homeless. Not many women go for that in a guy. Especially during these hard economic times.”

But that doesn’t mean that Rodney doesn’t work hard everyday. Each morning at 7:15am, he stands just off Interstate 515, exit 70A, with a dirty piece of cardboard and mounting enthusiasm trying to woo forty-year-old BMW drivers with his clever signage. “I can’t get a girlfriend,” the sign dingily says in a purple crayon. “Honk if you are interested.”

Some homeless people have started seeing a vast improvement within the economy. Jessie Fletcher, 18, discussed these improvements while scavenging through a garbage can just north of the city. “As you can see,” Jessie said, trying to rip open a double strength Glad kitchen sack, “the economy is improving. Just look at this garbage bag. It smells like potpourri. I’ve hit pay dirt! Yep the economy is definitely improving.”

Another piece of evidence that shows this community how the economy is beginning to bounce back is the items found inside regular suburban garbage. “We are slowly beginning to see an increase in wasted products again,” hobo Rodney Smith said. “People are slowly starting to throw away their leftovers, whereas we didn’t see much of that during the worse of the economic times.”

With Obama now in the White House, the homeless community is now beginning to see a reflection of the different economic programs he is initiating. “Change just doesn’t happen overnight, “Rodney said, ‘it takes time.”

Quentin Shires

Friday, December 11, 2009

Freshman Wrestler gets Chub

MILWAUKEE- For many college athletes, wrestling is just another sport. But not for Adam Starns. Having wrestled his way through his younger years, and high school, he now enjoys a full wrestling scholarship, which he can utilize throughout his undergraduate education.

Adam Starns, 19, from Millicent, Milwaukee, was lucky enough to earn the Athletic Director’s Diversity Scholarship from the University of Milwaukee early last year. But for this freshman, his dreams of a professional wrestling career may soon be over.

During the University’s Wrestling meet on Sunday, Starns experienced an event that he has never encountered before. “During my many years of wrestling, I swear to you, that this has never happened. I mean NEVER,” Starns said with tears in his eye. “I just don’t know what to do.”

While wrestling opponent Jermaine Wentworth, 19, a visiting freshman from Marquette University, Milwaukee, Starns stated he suddenly and ‘very clearly’ developed an erection of his male member. “Dude, I swear I didn’t do anything to bring this on,” Starns reported after the match. “I had just locked Jermaine into a front wizzer, and was completing the move, and Jesus Christ I got a fucking chub. Dude!”

Having grown up the son of a Pentecostal minister, Starns said that he has never had anything quite like this happen before. “Dude, listen to me,” Starns kept repeating after the match, “I am not gay!”

Athletic Director Jim Barnes spoke to the press after the awkward silence that followed the spotting of Starns’ erection. “What we have here,” Director Barnes stated outside the arena, with a twinkle in his eye, “can be seen as a very normal experience for some wrestlers. What Adam was trying to accomplish was to pin his opponent into a front wizzer. Sometimes during these very close contacts, it is very natural for your penis to rub against the Lycra Speedos or shorts that the athletes are encouraged to wear.”

The front wizzer is a very strategic and successful pin during a wrestling match. During this move, athletes will lock their opponent’s arms, flip them on their back, and straddle them. “As you can see,” director Barnes concluded, “there is very close bodily contact involved.”

The University of Milwaukee’s Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Newspaper, “The Rainbow” was on the scene and reported that Starns packed a whopping nine inches when erect. “It’s unbelievable. This is definitely wrestling history here!” Timothy Manning spoke with a lisp regarding the incident. “I am so happy to be a part of it! For a long time, I have known that Adam was gay. Come on! Wrestling with other masculine men in Speedos? Oh my God! I’ve always wanted to sign up!”

Adam’s father, Pastor George Starns, tried leaving the arena early after spotting his son’s erection. “I am so ashamed of Adam,” the pastor stated. “How could he do this to our family. After all I have taught him. In the back of my mind, I have always known he was gay.”

Adams mother, Carmella, was unavailable for comment, and was seen running from the arena weeping, to ‘go get the car’ from section T17 of the humongous parking lot.

“Well so what if I got an erection,” Adam told his teammates. “I think I’m bigger than everyone here anyway.” Adam was seen leaving the arena with his gym bag, while holding his opponent, Jermaine Wentworth’s hand.

“Well if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” Adam stated slamming the door behind them.

Quentin Shires