Thursday, December 17, 2009

Goodwill to Install Surveillance

BOSTON- In a major effort to decrease theft from thrift stores, Jim Gibbons, President and CEO of Goodwill Industries International, reported yesterday that he is requiring all Goodwill donation centers to begin installing high-tech surveillance equipment.

The equipment that most stores will have installed by February 2010, not only includes high tech surveillance cameras throughout the parking lot and stores; but also multiple surge protectors with built in ‘nanny-spy-cameras’, DVR recorders, and wall clock hidden audio monitoring devices. All employees will also be required to wear wristwatch spy audio/digital video recorders throughout their scheduled shifts.

“Goodwill is the leading donation source in the United States,” Gibbons said during a press conference yesterday, “It is our job to make sure that theft is minimized throughout our country, especially in thrift stores”.

With growing fears that thieves are targeting urine stained mattresses, LP records (33’s, and 45’s), employees of Goodwill are eager to start the new security precautions.

“I think it’s a marvelous idea,” employee, Loretta Lynn Montanna said during her twelve-minute cigarette break, behind the donation bins. “Let’s catch these people that try and take advantage of the needy!”

Gibbons stated that employees who will not support the new security measures would be suspended immediately, and will automatically lose their employee discount. “A current luxury that employees receive is a 25 percent discount on any goodwill item of their choice” the CEO said. “If you don’t support Goodwill’s new security policy, I don’t think we’ll have room for you here”

Loretta says that she relies on her discount in order to fashion her cheap wardrobe of hot pink pants, knee-high boots, and knotted t-shirts. “Everyone has to be on board with this,” she stated, “otherwise they will lose their jobs! I can’t afford that, especially during these hard economic times”.

The estimated cost for the security measures amount to approximately 13.5 million dollars nationwide. Goodwill is currently asking America for more donations.

Scientists have been studying the crime patterns among thrift stores over the past ten years and speculate that thieves will continue stealing way more than the anticipated mattresses and records.

“Our research indicates that thieves are going to start a new trend within the 2010/2011 fiscal year,” scientist Joseph Reynolds stated. “Yes, they are going to continue stealing urine stained mattresses, but these criminals are ruthless, they will continue with other items such as rust covered saucepans, and chipped coffee mugs. Crime doesn’t go away on its own!”

With approximately 80 percent of the staff on board with these new security procedures, training will start before the years end on how to use the personal wristwatch audio/video recorders. Private Eye Dick Johnson is giving security tips during these training sessions.

“Employees have to watch out for criminal behavior here at Goodwill,” Johnson said from his private agency this morning. “Check receipts, check people’s bags, and most of all check to make sure there is nothing in their car.”

Johnson said he is meeting with the CEO of other thrift stores to get them on board to stop the slew of missing urine stained mattresses. The Salvation Army, and St. Vincent de Paul, were unavailable for comment.

Quentin Shires

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Aussie, Chinese Yell, "Hurry up and Shag!"

ADELAIDE, AUSTRALIA- In a major effort to increase the Chinese Panda’s population, Australian and Chinese officials met at the Adelaide zoo yesterday to urge the Panda’s to have sexual relations.

“Hurry up and shag!” Governor General, Quentin Bryce yelled at the two pandas at the zoo yesterday evening. “Hurry up and shag!”

The two Chinese pandas, Wang Wang and Funi, were moved to the Adelaide zoo on loan from the Chinese government, in order to help boost the panda population. Thus far, they are comfortably settling into their new home and adapting well to the Australian Bamboo.

Chinese Ambassador, Zhang Junsai said yesterday that Australia is the perfect place for the two rare pandas to copulate. “Australia is such a beautiful country,” Junsai said yesterday outside the zoo, “I’ve been wanting to have sexual relations with my wife in this country for years. Since she wasn’t interested, I can now have sexual relations in Australia vicariously through the pandas.”

But not everyone thinks it’s ok to start the reproduction cycle. Wang Wang, 3, said this morning that he is very uncomfortable about the amount of pressure he is feeling when it comes to his first sexual encounter. “I am only three years old,” the Panda, declared, “I have only started masturbating a year ago, and they are already throwing a female in front of me to have sex with!”

Discussing that he is still in the Phallic Stage of Freud’s psychosexual development, Wang Wang reported at this time, he is just interested in his own genitals, not in the genitals of Junsai. “I’m sure she is very beautiful,” Wang Wang said referring to Junsai, “But I’m just not ready.”

Wang Wang’s parents were killed in China just after his birth, making him one of the only two pandas left in the southern hemisphere. Having grown up an orphan, the panda was never indulged in the parent-child sexual relations talk that most children experience.

“My first time is going to be in front of everyone,” Wang Wang said to the press. “That puts me under a lot pressure. I don’t even know what to do.”

The Governor General was later seen sneaking pornographic magazines and lubrication to the panda, in hopes to move him one step closer to reproducing.

Quentin Shires

Sunday, December 13, 2009

North Pole Conglomerate will Merge to Save Christmas

NORTH POLE: In what could be the most disastrous Christmas ever, the North Pole is making cutbacks this year in all areas of its general business.

CEO and General Manager of the North Pole, Santa Claus, made a surprising statement last night about serious economic cutbacks his company is being forced to make. “We have had to make several employee cuts this year, in most areas of the North Pole’s general business,’ he stated at a press conference just outside the North Pole. “These have included areas such as toy development, toy packing, toy ordering, delivery services…the list just goes on.”Having estimated that he cut his elf employees down by half, Santa still does not know how many elves he has working for him. “It is extremely hard to know how many elves are actually still working for me,” he stated over a frosty glass of full cream milk and cookies, “they are so fast and small, I just can’t keep count.”

Former Head-Elf, Bernie Elf stated at an interview this morning that he has had to move to the United States, to seek seasonal employment to ‘make ends meet’. “After being let go this is the only job I am qualified for,” he stated from the Macey’s perfume counter, in San Francisco, California. “Let’s face it- I am 250 years old, no pension plan, no health care, and no savings, so I needed something quick and temporary just to make it through the season.”

But Bernie isn’t the only elf suffering from cutbacks. The lucky elves that were able to continue working for the North Pole, don’t feel quite as lucky. “The amount of work has gone up ten-fold,” an anonymous elf reported from the mailroom. “Letters from children are the North Pole’s major client based, and that hasn’t decreased. We just can’t keep up! Plus we are continuing to receive the same pay.”

But downsizing employees is not the only answer for the season. Toy demand is still up 150 percent this year. Santa reported, “Because of the bad economic times that the world has been going through, people are relying on Christmas to make them feel better this year. The truth is, we can’t keep up! We’re really getting the candy cane with the recession and all.”

The North Pole has contracted Wal-Mart Incorporated to help with the increasing toy demand. “Wal-Mart is definitely here to give the North Pole help during the most celebrated and stressful time of the year,” Doug McMillan, President and CEO of the money saving conglomerate said in a statement to the press, “and with our ship-to-store delivery service, we can aid the North Pole with delivery services too.”

Wal-Mart’s ship-to-store feature includes free shipping of products from one store to another, to help get the item customers want quickly while securing a cheaper, or set price. Parents are encouraged to contact their local Wal-Mart before contacting the North Pole, to help circulate the products wanted for their children, in a more efficient manner.

“Not only are we asking parents to contact us first for ordering purposes, we are also asking them to pick them up from their local store by December 23rd at midnight,” McMillan pleaded.

Santa corroborated McMillan’s statement by stating that cutbacks have also included his Reindeer team that consists of nine reindeers (including Rudolph). “We have had to give early retirement packages to three reindeer,” Santa said, “and so the delivery process can take a little longer than what people are used to.”

“Abiding by these simple requests from both Wal-Mart and the North Pole will help develop a smooth transition for toy ordering and delivering.” McMillan said, “I admit, this is going to be quite a bumpy Christmas this year. We are just getting on our feet, and I want everyone to know Wal-Mart and the North Pole are doing everything to save Christmas. Every child will still hopefully get a toy by the New Year.”

Other deals are still being discussed between other toy companies in order to help the North Pole in upcoming years. Jeffery the Giraffe from Toys-R-Us, and Barbie from Mattel were unavailable for comment.

Quentin Shires

Jesus Tips Twenty Percent Plus

JUPITER, FL- Jesus Christ was reported tipping 20 percent or more on a recent visit to a local neighborhood restaurant.

Jesus was seen dining at Le Metro Neighborhood Bistro in Jupiter, Florida, Friday evening, at around eight o’clock. “This is such a great restaurant,” Jesus said in an interview Friday night, “It’s really nice to just get out and relax over a wonderful dinner from time to time.”

Jesus started off his meal ordering an appetizer of Coquilles Saint Jacques, which consists of Jumbo Sea Scallops, spinach, mushroom duxelle, and Tarragon Veloute’ Sauce. “It was really great,” Jesus replied after eating the appetizer. “Really fresh and moderately priced.”

Sally Robertson, head server at the restaurant, was fortunate enough to serve Mr. Christ during his visit. “It is such an honor serving someone so famous and well-known,” she replied during her short break at nine o’clock. “I hope he tips well!”

When offered a glass of wine as an aperitif, Mr. Christ declined and asked for a luke-warm glass of water. Mr. Christ was later seen turning the water into a glass of 1797 Chateau Lafite, which is known around France as a $160,000 bottle of wine.

“Yep, that is definitely going to hurt my tip,” Robertson said after spotting the miracle. So far he has only ordered a $10.95 appetizer and a glass of water,”

Christ was able to perform other miracles throughout the night, and appeared unhappy with the Catch of the Day. “Tonight, they are offering the Pan Seared Snapper as a special, and I don’t really care for snapper.” Christ then clicked his fingers and a miraculous fresh serving of Swordfish appeared in front of him. Christ then just ordered the sautéed vegetables to go with his fish.

Robertson reported that Christ’s bill amounted to a total of $13.95, with which he left a $4.00 tip, which is way over the expected twenty percent gratuity usually received. “I think Christians should set an example of people that are generous,” Christ said, putting away his tip calculator, “As Christians, if we can’t afford to tip well, then we really can’t afford to eat out.”

Christ stated that he enjoyed his dining experience at Le Metro and recommends it to other Christians who may want a relatively inexpensive fine dining experience. “The food is great, fresh, and well presented,” he said as he walked to the door, “and the wine…excellent!”

Quentin Shires

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Homeless Acknowledge Economic Woes

LAS VEGAS: With indications that the economy is improving since President Obama initiated different economic programs earlier this year, many financiers and political figures remain optimistic with a continuous improvement within the state of the economy.

But this is not the case in Las Vegas, Nevada. On Foremaster Lane, between Las Vegas Boulevard and Main Street, a growing number of homeless voices are starting to be heard. All along the lane homeless people are camped out in tents and cardboard boxes and are feeling the hard economic times this country is going through.

“It’s just so hard for us,” homeless veteran David “Peddler” James said, during an interview on Saturday morning at 3:00am. “When I first became homeless, it used to be so easy. But when Bush came to the White House, things just started to go downhill.

Dorothy Johnson, 25, corroborated David’s statement by reporting how hard begging has become these days. Taking a break from holding up her sign along a busy suburban street, she was able to discuss some “tricks of the trade” she uses in order to influence the amount of money she can receive from the community.

“When I first started begging, all I had to do was simply ask. Now days, I have to hold up a sign at exit 74B on the Interstate 515. It’s humiliating! Parading myself like that!”

Dorothy and other homeless people describe how trickery can be successful when taking monies from responsible community members. “I don’t want to give out too many of the tricks I use,” an anonymous homeless man said with a ‘tooth-missing grin and a wink’. “All I can say is that I am not a Vietnam War veteran.”

Other homeless community members are trying to build strong, social support groups within mainstream society; however, this is proving to be very difficult. “It is so hard for me to find a girlfriend,” Rodney McMahon stated from his wheelchair. “Not only am I disabled, but also homeless. Not many women go for that in a guy. Especially during these hard economic times.”

But that doesn’t mean that Rodney doesn’t work hard everyday. Each morning at 7:15am, he stands just off Interstate 515, exit 70A, with a dirty piece of cardboard and mounting enthusiasm trying to woo forty-year-old BMW drivers with his clever signage. “I can’t get a girlfriend,” the sign dingily says in a purple crayon. “Honk if you are interested.”

Some homeless people have started seeing a vast improvement within the economy. Jessie Fletcher, 18, discussed these improvements while scavenging through a garbage can just north of the city. “As you can see,” Jessie said, trying to rip open a double strength Glad kitchen sack, “the economy is improving. Just look at this garbage bag. It smells like potpourri. I’ve hit pay dirt! Yep the economy is definitely improving.”

Another piece of evidence that shows this community how the economy is beginning to bounce back is the items found inside regular suburban garbage. “We are slowly beginning to see an increase in wasted products again,” hobo Rodney Smith said. “People are slowly starting to throw away their leftovers, whereas we didn’t see much of that during the worse of the economic times.”

With Obama now in the White House, the homeless community is now beginning to see a reflection of the different economic programs he is initiating. “Change just doesn’t happen overnight, “Rodney said, ‘it takes time.”

Quentin Shires

Friday, December 11, 2009

Freshman Wrestler gets Chub

MILWAUKEE- For many college athletes, wrestling is just another sport. But not for Adam Starns. Having wrestled his way through his younger years, and high school, he now enjoys a full wrestling scholarship, which he can utilize throughout his undergraduate education.

Adam Starns, 19, from Millicent, Milwaukee, was lucky enough to earn the Athletic Director’s Diversity Scholarship from the University of Milwaukee early last year. But for this freshman, his dreams of a professional wrestling career may soon be over.

During the University’s Wrestling meet on Sunday, Starns experienced an event that he has never encountered before. “During my many years of wrestling, I swear to you, that this has never happened. I mean NEVER,” Starns said with tears in his eye. “I just don’t know what to do.”

While wrestling opponent Jermaine Wentworth, 19, a visiting freshman from Marquette University, Milwaukee, Starns stated he suddenly and ‘very clearly’ developed an erection of his male member. “Dude, I swear I didn’t do anything to bring this on,” Starns reported after the match. “I had just locked Jermaine into a front wizzer, and was completing the move, and Jesus Christ I got a fucking chub. Dude!”

Having grown up the son of a Pentecostal minister, Starns said that he has never had anything quite like this happen before. “Dude, listen to me,” Starns kept repeating after the match, “I am not gay!”

Athletic Director Jim Barnes spoke to the press after the awkward silence that followed the spotting of Starns’ erection. “What we have here,” Director Barnes stated outside the arena, with a twinkle in his eye, “can be seen as a very normal experience for some wrestlers. What Adam was trying to accomplish was to pin his opponent into a front wizzer. Sometimes during these very close contacts, it is very natural for your penis to rub against the Lycra Speedos or shorts that the athletes are encouraged to wear.”

The front wizzer is a very strategic and successful pin during a wrestling match. During this move, athletes will lock their opponent’s arms, flip them on their back, and straddle them. “As you can see,” director Barnes concluded, “there is very close bodily contact involved.”

The University of Milwaukee’s Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Newspaper, “The Rainbow” was on the scene and reported that Starns packed a whopping nine inches when erect. “It’s unbelievable. This is definitely wrestling history here!” Timothy Manning spoke with a lisp regarding the incident. “I am so happy to be a part of it! For a long time, I have known that Adam was gay. Come on! Wrestling with other masculine men in Speedos? Oh my God! I’ve always wanted to sign up!”

Adam’s father, Pastor George Starns, tried leaving the arena early after spotting his son’s erection. “I am so ashamed of Adam,” the pastor stated. “How could he do this to our family. After all I have taught him. In the back of my mind, I have always known he was gay.”

Adams mother, Carmella, was unavailable for comment, and was seen running from the arena weeping, to ‘go get the car’ from section T17 of the humongous parking lot.

“Well so what if I got an erection,” Adam told his teammates. “I think I’m bigger than everyone here anyway.” Adam was seen leaving the arena with his gym bag, while holding his opponent, Jermaine Wentworth’s hand.

“Well if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” Adam stated slamming the door behind them.

Quentin Shires

Thursday, December 10, 2009

White House to Celebrate Kwanzaa

WASHINGTON- In a major effort to impose cultural awareness this year, President Barack Obama stated he will officially celebrate Kwanzaa at the White House.

Kwanzaa, an African-American year-end feast, established in 1966 by Maulana Karenga, a cultural nationalist, is being celebrated in the White House between December 26, and January 1, 2010.

White House Social Secretary, Desiree Rogers, 50, spoke haphazardly yesterday with the President in the Oval Office. “Bringing Kwanzaa to the White House is just another example of a historic event for America,” Rogers said. “There is so much planning to do, we only have about two weeks left. Time is running out!”

White House Executive Chef, Cristeta Comerford has been given December 25th 2009 through January 1st, 2010 off, written within a memo from the President, stating that “he didn’t need her” during the aforementioned time-frame. Instead, Obama has hired an outside chef, Shareese Mfunfu, 34, whom he feels can handle the Kwanzaa food preparations.

“Heeeey,” Mfunfu said joyfully from the White House Kitchen, Monday, when raiding the cupboards to see what ingredients she had to work with. “ I got us some good shit baby that I will be serving to Barack during Kwanzaa. The only trouble I see happening is if he gets pieces of collard greens stuck in his platinum fronts.”

The Kwanzaa main course, being served for the first time at the White House will include candied yams with marshmallows on top, collard greens, and barbecued jerk chicken with corn bread. The president reported that Shareese Mfunfu is also preparing traditional elegant Kwanzaa-like desserts with aperitifs.

“I’m so excited about the dessert and beverage offerings this year,” Obama said, looking at his Social Secretary for support. “You couldn’t ask for a better celebration with watermelon, Kool-Aid, and the fifty-cent Little Debbie Snack Cakes that everyone just seems to enjoy.”

Michael Smith, White House Decorator is busy planning interior designs to help make Kwanzaa more special this year. “Since this is a historic event for the White House,” Smith stated from his office, just north of the West Wing, “the president has been begging me to ‘go crazy’ with as many Kwanzaa decorations as I can.”

Smith is not only decorating the White House with traditional Kwanzaa symbols, but also is hanging stale white-stringed popcorn pieces, plastic wreathes made from recycled colt-45 cans, and also the presidents personal collection of bling blings.

Entertainment that has been suggested but not confirmed is a private reunion show from the Jackson 4, being held on the South Lawn for the President and his guests.

Quentin Shires

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Palin struggles with Cunnilinigus

ALASKA- In a frantic effort to exterminate the gay community, former Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin (Rep-AK) joined her church’s initiation in starting to “pray away the gays”.

Larry Kroon, Pastor of Wasilla Bible Church, Wasilla, Alaska, reported that his church’s new initiation involves a conference on how to convert homosexuals back to heterosexuals. “It’s a wonderful initiation of forcing people to be who they really are,” Kroon said during an interview on CNN”s Larry King. “All we have to do is prey…um… I mean PRAY that they receive Christ’s teachings”.

2009-year-old Jesus Christ said Thursday that he is surprised that this initiation is coming from the Pentecostals. “It has been my experience,” Christ said, “that the Catholics usually begin turning my teachings around. I’m really surprised and confused by this.”

This is not the first time Christ has been blamed on Kroon’s initiations. “Just the other day,” Christ said, “he [Kroon] reported to the Huffington Post that I am going to strike my hand out against America. I don’t know what to do!”

Kroon states that homosexuality is not just a random act like it used to be; it is becoming more and more popular, especially between the younger generations. “It used to basically be a ‘kiss Adam behind the barn act’, but now it’s on the streets and everywhere you turn!”

To get the Wasilla community up to speed on modern day homosexuality, Kroon reported he has begun offering what he calls “homosexual definition classes” to help community members identify gays more readily.

‘There are a lot of different words out there that I didn’t know existed,” Wasilla Bible Church Member Daisy Jackson, 93, said after her class. “Lesbian Cunnilinigus. Good gravy, I don’t even know what that is, let alone how to say it. This has been my hardest class so far.”

Most other members share the same concern for the difficult homosexual definitions that are being taught. But Larry Kroon has hope for everyone involved. “I really commend Daisy for the hard work she is doing within the classes, I know it’s not easy,” he said referring to his oldest and longest standing church member, “but she’s not the only one struggling.”

Kroon reported that Sarah Palin had a lot of trouble with lesbian cunnilinigus too. “Sarah has been an outstanding member of our church community. She was rather surprised at what carpet munchers can do to each other. It’s not only the diction she struggles with, it’s the act itself.”

Palin confirmed Kroon’s statement when talking to the press outside of Wasilla Bible church. “I find lesbian cunnilinigus extremely difficult. I can’t get into it. It’s just not natural. I know the pastor taught us that it is when a gal gets her couchie licked by another gal, you know. But my faith just doesn’t support it.”

Palin went on to discuss the teachings of the bible and when she was asked what chapter and verse supports the acts of sexual intercourse for reproduction she replied, “Oh you know, it’s probably just in Ecclesiastes.”

Kroon supported Palin’s lack of bible knowledge by affirming that it is not important where versus are stated, as long as “you know they are in there.”

Quentin Shires

Gore: Bovines Linked to Global Warming

SAN FRANCISCO- The Environmental Activism and Nobel Peace Prize winner of 2004, Al Gore, announced Wednesday that the global warming has been linked to the farts and burps of most bovine animals.

“Most people lack an understanding of the power all bovine animals have on our planet,” Gore reported during an interview on 60 minutes, “the environmental problems stem far from just cows. The theory has now been broadened to include all bovine animals; including, cattle, buffalo and bison.” Gore reported that the enormous amounts of bovine farts and burps are “slowly but surely warming our planet”.

Twelve-year-old Bessie Winslow, a Jersey Breed cow, stated Friday that she is disgusted with Gore’s pretentious and outrageous comments. “It’s just insane to think that my farts and possibly burps are contributing to global warming. I mean, I know they have to point blame somewhere but this is just ridiculous!”

But not all cows agree with Bessie. Moobert Johnson, a Durnham Red bovine said yesterday that Gore’s theory of global warming is slowly spreading hatred between the different breeds of cows. “I think the blame should be directed towards the Jersey Breeds,” she claims. “They are the ones that produce more milk per pound of body weight than any other breed”.

Other breeds have contacted their local unions in order to begin strike motions for milk production due to start on Monday. “This is utterly frustrating for milk producers,” Elsie, 10, a huge Murray Grey Cow, stated during an interview located on Strauss Farms in Kentucky. “To blame our farts on global warming is just unfair. Let me try putting Mr. Gore in a paddock and feed him a balanced diet of grass, corn, flax meal, and alfalfa hay, and see if he can hold in a fart. It just isn’t our choice.”

Sally Field discussed her concerns, from BONVIA headquarters on how a possible “calcium strike” could show devastating effects within the medical community. 10 million new cases of osteoporosis are discovered in the US each year. Field stated that with possible strike action, the cases could almost double. “It is very important to note that people that do not get regular intakes of cheese, milk, yogurt, etc… are more apt to experience the onset of this disease. That’s why I choose Boniva.”

Scientists have calculated that human farts produce 50 to 150 pounds of pressure per release; whereas bovine farts and burps are known to exceed the comfortable limit than that of a human and what our environment can handle. This is what scientists claim are warming our fair planet.

Darryll, 13, a White Galloway cow, discussed over a helping of alfalfa hay and corn seeds his view on the heating debate. “Humans tend to look the other way when it comes to them polluting this planet,” he said. “Look at what happens to cigarette butts, and soda pop cans. But as soon as a bubble of methane gas emits into the atmosphere, they turn to us! Life just isn’t fair.”

Quentin Shires