WASHINGTON- In a major effort to impose cultural awareness this year, President Barack Obama stated he will officially celebrate Kwanzaa at the White House.
Kwanzaa, an African-American year-end feast, established in 1966 by Maulana Karenga, a cultural nationalist, is being celebrated in the White House between December 26, and January 1, 2010.
White House Social Secretary, Desiree Rogers, 50, spoke haphazardly yesterday with the President in the Oval Office. “Bringing Kwanzaa to the White House is just another example of a historic event for America,” Rogers said. “There is so much planning to do, we only have about two weeks left. Time is running out!”
White House Executive Chef, Cristeta Comerford has been given December 25th 2009 through January 1st, 2010 off, written within a memo from the President, stating that “he didn’t need her” during the aforementioned time-frame. Instead, Obama has hired an outside chef, Shareese Mfunfu, 34, whom he feels can handle the Kwanzaa food preparations.
“Heeeey,” Mfunfu said joyfully from the White House Kitchen, Monday, when raiding the cupboards to see what ingredients she had to work with. “ I got us some good shit baby that I will be serving to Barack during Kwanzaa. The only trouble I see happening is if he gets pieces of collard greens stuck in his platinum fronts.”
The Kwanzaa main course, being served for the first time at the White House will include candied yams with marshmallows on top, collard greens, and barbecued jerk chicken with corn bread. The president reported that Shareese Mfunfu is also preparing traditional elegant Kwanzaa-like desserts with aperitifs.
“I’m so excited about the dessert and beverage offerings this year,” Obama said, looking at his Social Secretary for support. “You couldn’t ask for a better celebration with watermelon, Kool-Aid, and the fifty-cent Little Debbie Snack Cakes that everyone just seems to enjoy.”
Michael Smith, White House Decorator is busy planning interior designs to help make Kwanzaa more special this year. “Since this is a historic event for the White House,” Smith stated from his office, just north of the West Wing, “the president has been begging me to ‘go crazy’ with as many Kwanzaa decorations as I can.”
Smith is not only decorating the White House with traditional Kwanzaa symbols, but also is hanging stale white-stringed popcorn pieces, plastic wreathes made from recycled colt-45 cans, and also the presidents personal collection of bling blings.
Entertainment that has been suggested but not confirmed is a private reunion show from the Jackson 4, being held on the South Lawn for the President and his guests.
Quentin Shires
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Palin struggles with Cunnilinigus
ALASKA- In a frantic effort to exterminate the gay community, former Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin (Rep-AK) joined her church’s initiation in starting to “pray away the gays”.
Larry Kroon, Pastor of Wasilla Bible Church, Wasilla, Alaska, reported that his church’s new initiation involves a conference on how to convert homosexuals back to heterosexuals. “It’s a wonderful initiation of forcing people to be who they really are,” Kroon said during an interview on CNN”s Larry King. “All we have to do is prey…um… I mean PRAY that they receive Christ’s teachings”.
2009-year-old Jesus Christ said Thursday that he is surprised that this initiation is coming from the Pentecostals. “It has been my experience,” Christ said, “that the Catholics usually begin turning my teachings around. I’m really surprised and confused by this.”
This is not the first time Christ has been blamed on Kroon’s initiations. “Just the other day,” Christ said, “he [Kroon] reported to the Huffington Post that I am going to strike my hand out against America. I don’t know what to do!”
Kroon states that homosexuality is not just a random act like it used to be; it is becoming more and more popular, especially between the younger generations. “It used to basically be a ‘kiss Adam behind the barn act’, but now it’s on the streets and everywhere you turn!”
To get the Wasilla community up to speed on modern day homosexuality, Kroon reported he has begun offering what he calls “homosexual definition classes” to help community members identify gays more readily.
‘There are a lot of different words out there that I didn’t know existed,” Wasilla Bible Church Member Daisy Jackson, 93, said after her class. “Lesbian Cunnilinigus. Good gravy, I don’t even know what that is, let alone how to say it. This has been my hardest class so far.”
Most other members share the same concern for the difficult homosexual definitions that are being taught. But Larry Kroon has hope for everyone involved. “I really commend Daisy for the hard work she is doing within the classes, I know it’s not easy,” he said referring to his oldest and longest standing church member, “but she’s not the only one struggling.”
Kroon reported that Sarah Palin had a lot of trouble with lesbian cunnilinigus too. “Sarah has been an outstanding member of our church community. She was rather surprised at what carpet munchers can do to each other. It’s not only the diction she struggles with, it’s the act itself.”
Palin confirmed Kroon’s statement when talking to the press outside of Wasilla Bible church. “I find lesbian cunnilinigus extremely difficult. I can’t get into it. It’s just not natural. I know the pastor taught us that it is when a gal gets her couchie licked by another gal, you know. But my faith just doesn’t support it.”
Palin went on to discuss the teachings of the bible and when she was asked what chapter and verse supports the acts of sexual intercourse for reproduction she replied, “Oh you know, it’s probably just in Ecclesiastes.”
Kroon supported Palin’s lack of bible knowledge by affirming that it is not important where versus are stated, as long as “you know they are in there.”
Quentin Shires
Larry Kroon, Pastor of Wasilla Bible Church, Wasilla, Alaska, reported that his church’s new initiation involves a conference on how to convert homosexuals back to heterosexuals. “It’s a wonderful initiation of forcing people to be who they really are,” Kroon said during an interview on CNN”s Larry King. “All we have to do is prey…um… I mean PRAY that they receive Christ’s teachings”.
2009-year-old Jesus Christ said Thursday that he is surprised that this initiation is coming from the Pentecostals. “It has been my experience,” Christ said, “that the Catholics usually begin turning my teachings around. I’m really surprised and confused by this.”
This is not the first time Christ has been blamed on Kroon’s initiations. “Just the other day,” Christ said, “he [Kroon] reported to the Huffington Post that I am going to strike my hand out against America. I don’t know what to do!”
Kroon states that homosexuality is not just a random act like it used to be; it is becoming more and more popular, especially between the younger generations. “It used to basically be a ‘kiss Adam behind the barn act’, but now it’s on the streets and everywhere you turn!”
To get the Wasilla community up to speed on modern day homosexuality, Kroon reported he has begun offering what he calls “homosexual definition classes” to help community members identify gays more readily.
‘There are a lot of different words out there that I didn’t know existed,” Wasilla Bible Church Member Daisy Jackson, 93, said after her class. “Lesbian Cunnilinigus. Good gravy, I don’t even know what that is, let alone how to say it. This has been my hardest class so far.”
Most other members share the same concern for the difficult homosexual definitions that are being taught. But Larry Kroon has hope for everyone involved. “I really commend Daisy for the hard work she is doing within the classes, I know it’s not easy,” he said referring to his oldest and longest standing church member, “but she’s not the only one struggling.”
Kroon reported that Sarah Palin had a lot of trouble with lesbian cunnilinigus too. “Sarah has been an outstanding member of our church community. She was rather surprised at what carpet munchers can do to each other. It’s not only the diction she struggles with, it’s the act itself.”
Palin confirmed Kroon’s statement when talking to the press outside of Wasilla Bible church. “I find lesbian cunnilinigus extremely difficult. I can’t get into it. It’s just not natural. I know the pastor taught us that it is when a gal gets her couchie licked by another gal, you know. But my faith just doesn’t support it.”
Palin went on to discuss the teachings of the bible and when she was asked what chapter and verse supports the acts of sexual intercourse for reproduction she replied, “Oh you know, it’s probably just in Ecclesiastes.”
Kroon supported Palin’s lack of bible knowledge by affirming that it is not important where versus are stated, as long as “you know they are in there.”
Quentin Shires
Gore: Bovines Linked to Global Warming
SAN FRANCISCO- The Environmental Activism and Nobel Peace Prize winner of 2004, Al Gore, announced Wednesday that the global warming has been linked to the farts and burps of most bovine animals.
“Most people lack an understanding of the power all bovine animals have on our planet,” Gore reported during an interview on 60 minutes, “the environmental problems stem far from just cows. The theory has now been broadened to include all bovine animals; including, cattle, buffalo and bison.” Gore reported that the enormous amounts of bovine farts and burps are “slowly but surely warming our planet”.
Twelve-year-old Bessie Winslow, a Jersey Breed cow, stated Friday that she is disgusted with Gore’s pretentious and outrageous comments. “It’s just insane to think that my farts and possibly burps are contributing to global warming. I mean, I know they have to point blame somewhere but this is just ridiculous!”
But not all cows agree with Bessie. Moobert Johnson, a Durnham Red bovine said yesterday that Gore’s theory of global warming is slowly spreading hatred between the different breeds of cows. “I think the blame should be directed towards the Jersey Breeds,” she claims. “They are the ones that produce more milk per pound of body weight than any other breed”.
Other breeds have contacted their local unions in order to begin strike motions for milk production due to start on Monday. “This is utterly frustrating for milk producers,” Elsie, 10, a huge Murray Grey Cow, stated during an interview located on Strauss Farms in Kentucky. “To blame our farts on global warming is just unfair. Let me try putting Mr. Gore in a paddock and feed him a balanced diet of grass, corn, flax meal, and alfalfa hay, and see if he can hold in a fart. It just isn’t our choice.”
Sally Field discussed her concerns, from BONVIA headquarters on how a possible “calcium strike” could show devastating effects within the medical community. 10 million new cases of osteoporosis are discovered in the US each year. Field stated that with possible strike action, the cases could almost double. “It is very important to note that people that do not get regular intakes of cheese, milk, yogurt, etc… are more apt to experience the onset of this disease. That’s why I choose Boniva.”
Scientists have calculated that human farts produce 50 to 150 pounds of pressure per release; whereas bovine farts and burps are known to exceed the comfortable limit than that of a human and what our environment can handle. This is what scientists claim are warming our fair planet.
Darryll, 13, a White Galloway cow, discussed over a helping of alfalfa hay and corn seeds his view on the heating debate. “Humans tend to look the other way when it comes to them polluting this planet,” he said. “Look at what happens to cigarette butts, and soda pop cans. But as soon as a bubble of methane gas emits into the atmosphere, they turn to us! Life just isn’t fair.”
Quentin Shires
“Most people lack an understanding of the power all bovine animals have on our planet,” Gore reported during an interview on 60 minutes, “the environmental problems stem far from just cows. The theory has now been broadened to include all bovine animals; including, cattle, buffalo and bison.” Gore reported that the enormous amounts of bovine farts and burps are “slowly but surely warming our planet”.
Twelve-year-old Bessie Winslow, a Jersey Breed cow, stated Friday that she is disgusted with Gore’s pretentious and outrageous comments. “It’s just insane to think that my farts and possibly burps are contributing to global warming. I mean, I know they have to point blame somewhere but this is just ridiculous!”
But not all cows agree with Bessie. Moobert Johnson, a Durnham Red bovine said yesterday that Gore’s theory of global warming is slowly spreading hatred between the different breeds of cows. “I think the blame should be directed towards the Jersey Breeds,” she claims. “They are the ones that produce more milk per pound of body weight than any other breed”.
Other breeds have contacted their local unions in order to begin strike motions for milk production due to start on Monday. “This is utterly frustrating for milk producers,” Elsie, 10, a huge Murray Grey Cow, stated during an interview located on Strauss Farms in Kentucky. “To blame our farts on global warming is just unfair. Let me try putting Mr. Gore in a paddock and feed him a balanced diet of grass, corn, flax meal, and alfalfa hay, and see if he can hold in a fart. It just isn’t our choice.”
Sally Field discussed her concerns, from BONVIA headquarters on how a possible “calcium strike” could show devastating effects within the medical community. 10 million new cases of osteoporosis are discovered in the US each year. Field stated that with possible strike action, the cases could almost double. “It is very important to note that people that do not get regular intakes of cheese, milk, yogurt, etc… are more apt to experience the onset of this disease. That’s why I choose Boniva.”
Scientists have calculated that human farts produce 50 to 150 pounds of pressure per release; whereas bovine farts and burps are known to exceed the comfortable limit than that of a human and what our environment can handle. This is what scientists claim are warming our fair planet.
Darryll, 13, a White Galloway cow, discussed over a helping of alfalfa hay and corn seeds his view on the heating debate. “Humans tend to look the other way when it comes to them polluting this planet,” he said. “Look at what happens to cigarette butts, and soda pop cans. But as soon as a bubble of methane gas emits into the atmosphere, they turn to us! Life just isn’t fair.”
Quentin Shires
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